i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
