Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
