Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
