At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
