Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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