I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The air was thick with penises
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
