We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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