i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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