Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
