Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
