Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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