just come out here and I will go home with you...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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