the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
