he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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