Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
