I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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