I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
