Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
