I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
