Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
