I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
