I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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