My Higher Power is John Stamos
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
