We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
