Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
