I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
