Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
