guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
