Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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