I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
