absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Randomize
