My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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