Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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