I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
