come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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