How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
