Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
We smell like vodka and hangover
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