These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
