Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
