just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
