I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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