I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
