is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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