I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
