Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
