you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
