Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
