At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
