I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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