He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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