I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
